You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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