Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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