You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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