I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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