I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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