I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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