My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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