I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
