I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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