Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
