recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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