Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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