I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
