You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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