god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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