Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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