Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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