I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
