I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
