Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
