i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
