shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
