I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
