If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
