what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
