Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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