Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
