Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
