Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
There's always time for handjobs
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
