i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
