your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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