woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
