My underwear smells like fireworks.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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