I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
