I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
