I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
