I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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