I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
