he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
