My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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