It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
