you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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