just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
