I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
