this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
