I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
this hospital has no fireball
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
