Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
