His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
