You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
