So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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