if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
