you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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